'The Action Hero's Handbook II.I- How to Stop a Wedding' //Step 1: Find out where the wedding will be held.//
"Well, Stratford's predicament is hardly unprecedented." Illya smirked, pulling out of the gas station parking lot.
Ilyana looked at him curiously, and Napoleon hid his face in his hand.
"Napoleon's come close to the old shotgun wedding a couple of times himself."
"Oh, it was not a couple of times."
"Actually, partner mine, it was." Illya was now smiling somewhat maliciously at his lover.
"Montg-- Stratford-- is being held at First Presbyterian. That much I got from the stool pigeon. The man in the station gave me directions. I will drive."
"You will tell me where to turn and I will drive." Illya countered firmly.
"Then make a left. Now."
//Step 2: Pick the spot from which you will speak.//
"Go in, at the end of the aisle near the door." Napoleon commanded. "Illya and I will get into the wings and provide you with cover in case any of the guests get violent."
"Glad you have this all planned out." Ilyana rolled her eyes, checking her own gun. "I should not need assistance."
"We are dealing with THRUSH."
"Why they want Mon-- Stratford-- is beyond me." She sighed. "He's barely competent, and not at all crucial to UNCLE."
//Step 3: Determine what you will say.//
"And remember-- instead of going in shooting, you're going to break up the wedding the old fashioned way. You're in love with the groom." Napoleon winked.
"I--"
"For all intents and purposes." Illya shrugged.
"You know, I don't think you ever did that for me." Napoleon sighed.
"I've done more." Illya replied.
"In love with the groom..." The girl repeated, resigning herself.
"Yes. You know the routine, of course. I'm sure it's all over daytime television."
"I do not watch daytime television."
//Step 4: Wait until the officiant says "speak now" to speak now.//
Ilyana knocked out the guard at the door and slipped in unnoticed. Up at the front of the church, her partner was about to be tied to a particularly nasty THRUSH black widow-- not even a very attractive woman, she thought vindictively.
The priest seemed unconcerned. Either he was THRUSH too, or he didn't have any idea that many of the wedding guests were packing heat.
"If any person here believes that these two should not be wed, let them speak now, or forever hold their--"
"Wait!" She took a step forward, her voice commanding.
Montgomery turned, as shocked as anyone. Their eyes met, and she tried to convey the message to him: Standard Operating BS.
//Step 5: State your case effectively.//
"You can't marry that woman!" Ilyana continued, hoping he would catch onto the plan. She didn't know what she would do if her partner actually believed that she was stopping the wedding out of her love for him. Rather, she didn't know what she would do if her partner actually believed that she was stopping the wedding out of her love for him, and he had to reject her.
"Wait just a minute--" The bride began, taking a step towards the interloper.
"The woman is a-- a whore! She's a filthy, evil temptress. She could never love you the way I do! Montgomery Stratford, you are the sun that lights my moon, the light in my darkest nights... you make my world revolve and my heart beat. Don't marry her, Montgomery, come away with me!"
//Step 6: Have a good escape route.//
Illya floored the gas pedal, and in the back, the two junior agents collided. Napoleon leaned out the passenger's window, firing back at the 'Just Married' limo that chased them.
"So this was your plan?" Montgomery asked, raising his voice over the ruckus of the chase.
"Of course." Ilyana replied defensively, a slight flush coming to her cheeks. "What did you think, that I was really confessing my love for you? I'd have hardly waited until your marriage."
"Not my willing marriage." He said, somewhat wounded by her flippant tone.
In the front, Illya grabbed the seat of his partner's pants, yanking the other man back in through the window.
"Would you stop being so foolish, Napoleon? I could lose them easily if I wasn't worrying about you being killed." The blond sniped.
"Yes, 'dear'." He sighed.
"What have I told you about calling me that?"
"Not to do it." Napoleon shrugged glibly.
"I see you've taken it as a suggestion rather than the mandate I intended it to be. As per usual."
"Someone's tone is icy today."
"Someone is driving under harsh conditions."
"What harsh conditions?" He asked, looking out at the perfect weather.
"Their gunfire behind our car, and your 'team' in the backseat. Not to mention your terrible sense of humour."
"Illya, were we not watching the same brilliant eleventh hour rescue? They're a good team."
"Perhaps." He shrugged, making a hairpin turn. "I think we've lost them, at least for now. We can lose the car and request a pickup from over there."
"They could be as good a team as we were." Napoleon continued, his voice low. "In fact, if I'm as good at reading between the lines as I think I am, they could be as good a team as we are."
He raised one wheaten eyebrow. "Don't try and tell me..."
"Ya tebya lyubyu, Illya." Napoleon whispered, sliding out of the car.
Climbing out of the backseat and pointedly ignoring her partner's offer of help, Ilyana Lobochevski froze, recognizing words she'd only ever heard her immigrant mother use.
"I ty." Illya smiled, heading through an unmarked door.
Looking between the older pair and Montgomery, she decided not to say anything for the time being. For now, they would hide out and await pickup.
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