'The Action Hero's Handbook II.IV- How to Pick Someone Up in a Bar'
//Step 1: Scout the room.//
"Napoleon, I'm not going to be able to--"
"You'll do fine." He soothed.
"You are better at this part of the job than I'll ever be."
"I tried. I failed. She seems to have an eye for blonds. So tomorrow night, we are going back to that club, and you are going to chat that witness up."
"But I don't know *how*!" Illya wailed, throwing himself into the club chair.
"Illya, Illya, Illya... everyone knows how. Tell you what; tonight, you'll practice."
"No. Napoleon, no, I don't want to go pick up some random stranger I'm not even remotely attracted to just so that I can better pick up some not-so-random stranger to whom I am also not even remotely attracted. Besides, she'll say no."
"I meant a safe practice. Here."
"Here?"
"With me. Added bonus, I can stop and tell you what you need to work on, and then we can go on as if it didn't happen."
"I don't know if that's such a good idea, Napoleon..."
"It'll be fine." He beamed, pouring a couple of drinks and turning his coffee table into a makeshift 'bar'. "Now go over to the door and pretend you're just now coming in."
Despite his misgivings-- chiefly, the fact that he'd been spending the duration of their partnership trying *not* to think of seducing Napoleon-- Illya obeyed, going to the hallway and pretending to enter the 'bar' while his friend perched coquettishly on the arm of the couch.
"Just try not to make me laugh, Napoleon." Illya sighed. "This is difficult enough as it is."
//Step 2: Move in closer.//
Illya replaced himself in the club chair, glancing down the length of the sofa to where his partner sat. Still not too close.
His stomach was still in a riotous state of unease. This was *Napoleon*. He had to be crazy to want Napoleon in the first place, and now to allow himself to come so dangerously close? Suppose something slipped during his 'practice'?
His partner wasn't going to make this easy on him, either, he knew that. Just because Napoleon knew Illya, and knew he was there-- the only person there, in fact-- did not mean that he wouldn't have to find a way to get his friend's attention.
//Step 3: Make initial eye contact.//
Illya took several fleeting glances towards the man on the arm of the sofa. Each time he saw Napoleon's profile, he would quickly turn away, nervous.
Finally, he managed to hold the gaze until Napoleon turned. Illya kept his head tilted downwards, looking up through his lashes and smiling slightly. Napoleon returned the smile, and he looked away, the moment threatening to undo his strict self-policing.
//Step 4: Buy him a drink.//
"There's a problem with your brilliant plan, Napoleon." Illya sighed.
"Just pretend I'm her. She's pretty enough, Illya."
"Not that." He scowled. Come tomorrow night, he'd be pretending she was Napoleon. "There's no barkeep."
"Right. I'll play the bartender, too." He stood and walked around the coffee table.
Illya slipped back into 'character'. "Barkeep."
"Can I help you, Sir?" Napoleon asked, affecting an accent.
"Would you tell the-- Napoleon, do you want me to call you a gentleman or a lady?"
"Whichever. I'll play it however you want it."
Illya supressed a shudder of desire. "Would you inform the gentleman at the bar that his next drink has been paid for?"
Napoleon beamed proudly. "See, I told you you'd be fine!"
"This was the right move, then?"
"Yes. Just remember not to choose the drink for her. I doubt Miss Hallie Huckaby drinks vodka straight up."
He ducked back over to his seat, picking up one of the pre-poured drinks and nodding thanks to an invisible server.
//Step 5: Make eye contact again when the drink is offered and then delivered.//
Napoleon looked around the otherwise empty living room, and Illya caught his gaze with another shy smile. Napoleon grinned brilliantly and offered a little wave.
//Step 6: Move quickly if you get a positive response.//
Illya moved himself over to the couch, where he sat close to Napoleon, taking his own drink.
"Hi." He wondered if that could really be his voice...
"Hi, yourself." Napoleon, curse him, was as cool as ever.
"So... do you come here often?"
//Step 7: Be yourself."
Napoleon raised an eyebrow, and Illya plowed on, his words coming quickly.
"I don't get out much, myself. I've only ever been here once before, I don't know much about the place."
Napoleon nodded. "I've been here a few times."
"Illya. Kuryakin." He extended his slightly-trembling hand.
"Well, for lack of a better reply, Napoleon." The American returned, shaking it firmly.
"It's a very... interesting name." He forced a smile, figuring he could say the same for Hallie Huckaby.
"So's yours."
"Oh... um... thank you."
"You know," Napoleon said confidentially, out of character. "Since you don't already know her, you could ask what sort of music she listens to." He suggested.
"Ah, yes... So, do you like jazz?"
"Not particularly. I'm a big fan of Dusty Springfield."
Illya tried valiantly not to laugh as he pictured Napoleon singing along to 'You Don't Have To Say You Love Me'. He wondered what his partner's actual tastes in music were. Napoleon had never seemed to offer too much of an opinion before, unless he didn't like something.
//Step 8: Close the deal.//
"The... moon, is beautiful." Illya said haltingly.
"But it's not full."
"No, but it is beautiful, don't you think? And, the stars..."
"Mm-hm." Napoleon rested his chin in his hand.
"I-- it's rather warm in here, don't you think?"
"Mm."
"You're not helping." He hissed.
Napoleon grinned wickedly. "I can't guarantee that she will, either. You might have to work for it."
Illya sighed. "Fine."
There was a pause, and he slipped back into the game. "So... would you care to take a walk with me? The night is nice, cool. The stars are out."
"And would I be safe with you, if I let you walk me home?" Napoleon challenged playfully.
"Absolutely." Illya answered seriously. "I wouldn't let any man harm a hair on your head."
Napoleon held up a hand. "That's actually a perfect opening to touch her hair."
Illya swallowed, bringing a hand up to the side of his partner's face.
"It is getting late... I suppose it wouldn't hurt to get back. I wouldn't be out of your way?"
"Not at all." He stood, offering his hand.
Napoleon accepted, allowing the blond to help him to his feet. There was a long moment where they just stood there frozen, unable to remember what to do, ice blue eyes locked on chocolate brown.
Napoleon laughed, breaking the spell. "And what do you know, you got me home safe."
Illya redenned. "I can't believe you talked me into that..."
"You'll do fine tomorrow." Napoleon soothed, walking his partner to the front door and hoping against hope that he wouldn't.
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