'The Action Hero's Handbook IV.II- How to Take a Hit With a Chair'

//IF THE CHAIR IS MADE OF WOOD//

//Step 1: Cover your head.//

"What do you mean they never hit you with chairs in Survival School?" Illya roared. "We get hit with chairs all the time!"

"Well, used to." Napoleon amended.

"Do you know how to take a hit from a chair?" Illya asked, almost beseechingly.

"I've seen it on television." Montgomery shrugged.

Ilyana rolled her eyes.

"Anything?"

"Cover your head?"

"Well, Napoleon, at least your troops aren't completely hopeless."

//Step 2: Turn your body to the side.//

"Don't absorb the blow with your back." Napoleon said, pointedly ignoring his partner. "Try to take it with your arm, side, and shoulder."

"A hit across the back will cause more damage." Illya jumped in. "The muscles along the back are thin and provide little cushion against a blow. Additionally, spinal damage can cause severe problems."

//Step 3: Tuck your body as much as possible to protect your vital organs.//

"And curl in on yourself."

"Keep as much of your torso closed off as possible."

Montgomery and Ilyana nodded, all but taking notes and hoping that they would not be called upon to hit each other with chairs.

Knowing Kuryakin, these hopes were futile...

//Step 4: Go with the flow of the blow.//

"If you are being hit from above, drop down." Napoleon lectured. "As soon as it hits you, let yourself fall, don't try to hold up against it, you'll only be hurt worse."

"Which he knows from experience." Illya quirked an eyebrow, almost smiling.

"Which *we* know from experience." Napoleon corrected. "And no undermining me in front of the troops."

"After what you did yesterday, you're lucky that this is the extent of my undermining." The Russian sniffed.

"I made it up to you..." Napoleon wheedled.

Montgomery wasn't exactly sure what he saw in the older agent's expression.

"Pyeryestavat..." He hissed warningly.

That one Ilyana knew from early childhood. Stop it.

The number one man stopped. Both men settled into perfect professionalism.

"If the blow comes from the side, move with it."

"Remember, a reed survives the storm that blows the oak tree down."

"Don't be trite, Napoleon." Illya sighed.a "I've told you before, it doesn't suit you."

"Well, why don't you tell me what does?"

"I can lecture you later, Napoleon. Right now, I am lecturing them."

//Step 5: If you can drop to the ground before the chair comes at you, do so.//

"If you can avoid being hit--"

"Fall to the floor if you can. Roll onto your back and use your legs to absorb the hit." Illya cut his partner off.

Napoleon sighed and sat down at the nearby desk, letting the blond take over.

"Have them up, so that you can fold them in with the impact of the chair. If the chair is metal, drop to the floor immediately and go from there. You can use your legs to deflect the blow."

"Deflect?" Montgomery questioned. He hadn't been paying attention to Kuryakin for a while, because Ilyana had just taken down her usual no-fuss ponytail and was putting it back up, and it swept off her neck just so...

"Yes, pushing the chair back up and away from your body. Towards your attacker, if possible." Illya sighed wearily, rubbing his nosebridge. Napoleon's team would kill him yet.

"You are dismissed." Napoleon waved them out.

The door closed and he moved over to stand behind his partner, gently massaging Illya's shoulders.

"Do I need to get you home?"

He spoke wearily in Russian, and Napoleon was able to catch the words 'yes' and 'impossibly long hot shower'. He grinned, kissing his partner's temple.

"All right, then. Home it is."

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