'The Action Hero's Handbook V.I- How to Evade a MiG'

//Step 1: Move into a nap of the earth navigation.//

"Napoleon, tell me you know how to fly one of these things..." Illya pleaded, looking more than a little nervous as he clung to the back of the pilot's seat.

"Ah... I know a thing or two about the controls and such... I guess that means you don't."

"No. I *do* know that that thing behind us is incredibly deadly, however."

"Well, if you have any suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them." He grumbled, wishing for the thousandth time that Waverly had never put them on this particular mission.

"Stay as low to the ground as you can, and fly as fast as you can."

"As low to the--"

"Below the radar. And fast."

"I sure hope you don't get airsick, tovarishch." Napoleon nodded, sending their small plane into a dive.

//Step 2: If your enemy finds you, climb to a fair altitude.//

A spray of gunfire told him that it hadn't worked. They had already been spotted. Taking a deep breath, Napoleon pulled back on the control, taking them to 10,000.

"We don't have guns..." Illya whispered. "This bucket isn't going to make it."

"Do you have a parachute?"

"We have only one. This plane wasn't meant for two people."

"Put it on." Napoleon ordered.

"No, you should--"

"Put it on." He repeated, sparing a glance back over his shoulder.

"If we need it... we'll share it."

"Do you think it'll take our combined weight in that situation?"

"Does it matter?" Illya snorted bitterly. "Either you make it, or neither one of us makes it."

"Illya, we're not having this argument right now..."

//Step 3: Move into a high-speed dive.// "It's not an argument, Napoleon." He shook his head, strapping into the parachute. "You'll hold onto me if we have to bail out, and if you try something incredibly stupid like letting go because you think it'll heighten my chances, then I will take this parachute off mid-air, you hear me?"

He sighed. "Fine. But I need to concentrate on this maneouver."

Illya nodded, falling silent and closing his eyes.

Napoleon pushed forward, sending them into an inverted roll before nosing into the dive.

//Step 4: Bank hard to the left or right and pull back on the control stick.//

"Illya!" He cried, looking back over his shoulder again as they pulled out. "Illya, are you all right?"

"I'm fine." He nodded, taking a deep breath and trying to calm his jangled nerves. "A bit shaken, but all right."

"I'm sorry... I should have been more careful. I shouldn't have gone into a roll without warning you, I should have eased--"

"It would have been a bad move."

"You don't have a safety belt back there."

"We'd've both been dead if you had eased anywhere back there, Napoleon. I'm wedged pretty firmly back here, anyway."

//Step 5: Roll to wings level and begin to climb.//

Napoleon righted the jet, putting the wings parallel to the earth.

"We're taking her up again. You ready?"

"For anything, Napoleon." Illya squeezed his partner's shoulder.

"All right."

"Anything. With you..." He bit his lip. Now was probably not the time.

"Hang on." Napoleon warned, pulling back. "Hopefully, this'll be a little smoother."

//Step 6: Move out at the top of the climb and roll to the left.//

"I'm hanging on." Illya whispered, his voice inaudible over the engine noises.

The plane rolled to the left, and he clutched at the back of Napoleon's seat. He would have felt more comfortable in a craft built for two men, but barring that, he wished there was some way he could be closer to Napoleon, some way he could fit his arms around the other man. Even if it didn't actually mean he was safer, he would feel more secure.

On the other hand, it might distract the pilot...

And they were building up to another inverted dive.

"Should I be hanging onto my stomach as well?"

"Don't worry, partner mine. I think I can get us out of this."

And so despite every possible indication that he *should* worry, Illya calmed down quite a bit.

//Step 7: Instead of falling into the dive, this time push forward on the stick and continue your climb.//

The drop he had prepared himself for didn't come. In fact, they seemed to be picking up speed without changing directions.

Illya grinned, wrapping an arm around Napoleon's shoulders and kissing the side of his head.

"Have I told you lately how brillaint you can be when you're not acting like an idiot?"

"No, but I forgive you." Napoleon laughed, pushing back as much into the embrace as he could without detracting from his piloting.

Behind them, the MiG pilot lost control of his craft.

//Step 8: As your pursuer spins, return to the nap of the earth and make your escape at full throttle.//

They dove again, levelling off as close to the ground as was safe, and continued their flight, engines screaming.

The MiG was a dot on the rear horizon, the information had already been transmitted to HQ, and danger was at a minimum, all things considered. Napoleon turned his head far enough to meet Illya's mouth in a proper kiss.

"I told you I'd get you out."

Illya smiled, taut body finally relaxing. "I'm glad we didn't need the parachute."

"We're not far from the border, love. It's going to be all right now."

"Not an assurance we can often make."

"I'm making it now." Napoleon promised, the words thick in his throat. "You're out, and you're not going back if I can help it. And we're going home, together, in one piece."

"Shouldn't we be two pieces?"

"Not if we're lucky."

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