There were three children, a boy, a girl, and a baby.

"I'm Claire." The girl said. "I'm the oldest, I'm eight. Micheal is six, and Christian isn't one yet."

"Oh. All right. I'm Illya, and that's Napoleon. We are friends of your mother's uncle Alexander."

Napoleon nodded, taking the note from the fridge. "Well, looks like your parents took care of baths before we got here."

Illya sighed, relieved.

"And it looks like we'll be taking care of dinner and putting you to bed at eight-thirty sharp."

"What do you mean dinner? They haven't eaten yet?" Illya hissed, moving into the kitchen and keeping one eye on the three children in the living room.

"I mean, the note says they haven't eaten yet. It's no big deal, Illya. I can fix dinner." Napoleon soothed, going to the cupboards and pulling out whatever ingredients he thought he could use.

"Well, what about the children? They need to be watched."

"Seems to me like you're doing an excellent job at it, lyubov."

Illya scowled. "I don't like children."

"Sure you do. Everyone likes children." Napoleon grinned.

"I don't."

On cue, the two older children spoke up. "We're bored!"

"Illya?"

Shooting a murderous glare at his partner, the Russian stalked back into the living room, putting on a fake smile.

"We're bored." The boy repeated.

"We want a story." The girl agreed.

"All right. What kind of a story?" He asked, moving to the bookshelf. "Do you have a favourite?"

"We want a story that we haven't heard before."

Illya froze. "You do?"

In the kitchen, Napoleon smiled. He was going to have to cook quietly now. There was no way he was missing this.

"All right... What kind of story that you've never heard before? One with adventure and danger, or...?"

"Magic." Micheal answered.

"And a handsome prince." Claire added matter-of-factly. "All good stories have those."

Illya sighed, taking a seat and motioning the two closer. "All right... Once upon a time, there was a girl--"

"Was she a princess?"

"No. She was a farm girl. Her name was..." He paused. When he had heard this story, what seemed like a lifetime ago, the girl's name had been Svetlana. Obviously, he would have to change it for this audience. "Her name was..."

"Josephine."

"Josephine." He shrugged. "And she had two sisters, named... Lisa and Genevieve. And they lived with their father in a small farmhouse. One day, a bear came to the house, with a thorn in its paw. Lisa and Genevieve both ran into the house and bolted the door, and they shouted for their father to get his gun, but Josephine, being a kind- hearted and observant girl, saw that the bear was in pain, and she removed the thorn."

"And the bear ate her." Micheal bounced in his seat.

"He did no such thing." Illya said firmly. "The bear was every bit the gentleman. He proposed marriage to the girl. Now, ordinarily, I doubt she would have agreed to marry a bear, but her father was poor, and growing old, and the bear said that he would give their family much gold if she would go with him."

Claire's full attention was on Illya now. Micheal's attention had moved to a fly crawling on the wall. Christian was asleep.

"Lisa and Genevieve begged her not to go, but she agreed to become the bear's wife, so that night, she packed all of her things, and rode on the bear's back, all the way to his kingdom."

"The bear had a kingdom?" Micheal asked, his attention re-captured by this unexpected bit of information.

"Naturally. He was no ordinary bear. Now, Josephine's life in the castle of the bear was pleasant, and every day she was free to do anything she wished."

"Was she pretty?" Claire interrupted, remembering a detail which was obviously of utmost importance in any faerie story.

"Yes. She was very pretty. She had silken hair and a lovely face, and now that she lived in a palace, she wore beautiful dresses every day and ate nothing but chocolate ice cream."

In the kitchen, hiding behind a cookbook, Napoleon supressed a laugh at this detail. Obviously Illya wasn't as bad with children as he claimed to be.

"May I continue?" Illya asked. The children nodded. "Good. Now, on the first night, the bear said to her 'after the sun falls, you must never look upon me', and every night, he came to her room and slept beside her in her bed, and every night, she could not see him in the dark, but he did not seem to be a bear. One day, when she was visiting her sisters, she told them of this."

"What's dinner?" Micheal asked.

"Chicken and rice." Napoleon called.

"Do you want to hear the story or not?" Illya scowled.

Claire and Micheal sat up a little straighter and payed attention.

"Thank you. So Lisa said 'perhaps your husband is not really a bear', and Genevieve gave her a candle and a tinderbox, saying 'tomorrow night, when it is dark and the bear is asleep, light this candle, and then you can see his face'. Now, since Josephine was a very trusting girl, she did as her sisters told her."

"And was he really a prince?" Claire asked.

"I'm hungry." Micheal complained.

"She lit the candle, looked upon her sleeping husband, and saw that he was a handsome man instead of a bear." Illya said quickly. "However, a drop of wax fell from the candle and woke him, and he said 'you have broken your promise, and now I must leave you. It is terrible, for if you had waited one more day, I would have been able to show you my face. But now the spell cannot be broken, and I must wed the troll princess.'"

"He can't marry them both!" Claire said indignantly.

"I'm still hungry."

"Napoleon, when is dinner going to be ready?" Illya sighed. "This child has no patience."

"Story!" Claire demanded.

"Dinner!" Micheal countered.

"Settle down!" Illya ordered.

"Ready!" Napoleon called.

The chaos settled. Illya found dishes, Napoleon served them, and the bottle of milk in the fridge was warmed for Christian.

"I don't suppose you know how to feed a baby?" Illya asked.

"Ah, no. You?"

"Hardly."

"Well, how touch could it be? When he wakes up, you stick the bottle in his mouth and he drinks. You do the honors."

"Oh, no. I watched those two. You feed the baby."

"All right, I'll feed the baby, if you finish that story of yours. Maybe then they'll stop catapulting peas at each other."

The combination of Napoleon's statement and the offending vegetable hitting his tie drew Illya's attention.

"Children! You will stop that right now."

"You're not the boss of me!"

"If you don't stop it, there will be no story." He said, in the cool, threatening voice he normally used for extracting secrets from THRUSH informants.

Claire and Micheal stopped.

"Thank you. All right, now, Josephine was distressed. You see, it turned out her husband was not a bear, but an enchanted prince, and that the evil troll princess had put a spell on him. If he had lived for three months with Josephine, without her seeing his face in the night-- for that was the only time that he returned to his true form-- then the spell would be broken. However, because of her sisters, she had broken her promise instead."

Christian woke up crying.

"I'll get it." Napoleon nodded. "Go ahead and tell your story."

"The prince said that if she wished to save him from marriage, her only chance was to see the witch--" He stopped. "Napoleon, I thought you were seeing to that baby?"

"I am. He wont eat."

"Well, then he is not hungry. Check his diaper."

"Check his--? Illya, I can't--"

"You said you would get it. Now, these children have been so good as to stop bombarding each other with side dishes, and I have a story to continue. There should be a changing table in the bath. Now... Where was I?"

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This page is an unofficial site that exists only for the fun of it. All characters and situations from the television show "The Man from U.N.C.L.E." are property of Norman Felton and Warner Bros. Nothing ill is intended by this use of any television characters in these amateur efforts. Any fiction linked to these pages is the intellectual property of the amateur author who created it and is not presented here for profit.